You're a Big Girl, Hold It

Opening for a Life Guide

I need my own personal etiquette counselor. So when situations crop up, I'll know how to handle them.

For instance, if a woman boards the subway, and you can't tell if she's pregnant or not, should you give up your seat?

Should you offer your boss money if you're not sure if happy hour is on the company card?

If you make an off-color (drunk) remark to someone you don't see very often, should you send an apologetic e-mail?

What if your boyfriend insists on wearing a shirt that says "suck my cock?" How the hell do you handle that?

I just can't know everything. Plus, for me to be fully honest about a situation, I need my etiquette counselor to be non-judgmental (read: not a consensus of my friends and relatives.)

Any takers?

Subway Observation #5

They say stress shortens your life. Thanks to my iPod, I'm going to live a lot longer.

Subway Observation #4

Someone yelled at me for looking at her four times on the subway. Four times! She counted! Please. I just turned my back and ignored her.

OK, I admit I was momentarily unnerved. But getting yelled at for looking at someone the wrong way? That's how you learn the meaning of the words "street smarts."

Subway Observation #3

Don't talk. When asked for directions, see if you can get away with pointing and a nod.

Do I Look Jewish?

A young girl in a long skirt. "Are you Jewish? We're giving away free Shabbos candles ..."

"No thank you," I said.

Half a block later. Two girls in long skirts. "Excuse me. Excuse me, are you Jewish?"

"No, I'm not interested in Shabbos candles."

Half a block later. A little boy. "Are you Jewish?"

"I don't want any Shabbos candles."

Half a block later. A man in a black hat. "Excuse me, are you Jewish?"

"I don't want any!"

Hmph.

Big Me

I got a temporary promotion today. When my boss once-removed goes on vacation next month, guess which cute, sassy, one week past her 23rd birthday, editrex-in-training is filling in?

You got it.

Subway Observation #2

You can play MP3s on a Blackberry. Who knew.

Blast From the Past

How's this for a time warp circa 1997? Dinner and drinks with a friend I haven't seen since high school, who is still friends with (and brought along) my ex-boyfriend; and my best friend from elementary school, who once dated this aforementioned high school friend.

We used to double date before, but as my ex-boyfriend reminded me, I wouldn't let him drink back then.

I had been asking myself since Friday whether seeing the ol' ex would indeed be "worth it" -- what's the point of seeing these people you've once dated? -- and sort of dreading the whole thing.

But once we saw each other, it was very ... productive. The ex and I put all our cards on the table.

Me: "Do you remember how you dumped me the second time we dated? You almost crashed my car, and then you didn't write or call for four weeks. So immature."

and, Him: "I wasn't cheating on you with L. If you cooked for me as well as her mom did, I would have seen you those weekends instead."

and, Me: "Why are we fighting now? We never fought."

and, Him: "Well, don't worry; you're still the shortest girl I've ever dated." (Me: "What a nice thing to say!")

(And then, of course, throughout the night, in drunk repetition, I told him, "I really have nothing against you" -- which weren't my better moments.)

I don't think I'll be seeing him again anytime soon -- barring next week at our high school reunion.

My two former friends, meanwhile, have gotten a lot cooler (and better looking) than I remember them; after all, I remember them being 17. I would hope we'll keep in touch now, even though neither lives in New York anymore. (My current boyfriend, the boyfriend, was not entirely OK with last night either, but I think we both know how much I needed to see old friends.)

Clippings

I really love coupons, even when I know I'll never use them. This is going to be one of my old lady quirks, I can tell.

Subway Observation #1

It drives me crazy when people can't fit into one seat on the subway. We all pay the same price, we're all tired at the end of the day or first thing in the morning -- and I really believe in the notion of one person, one seat. Period.

On principle, I always sqoosh in next to those people. Then I squirm around to get my traveling companion's attention, all the while looking pointedly at the fact that she is encroaching on my section of the orange plastic. At this point, my seatmate will try -- always unsuccessfully -- to rearrange the parts of her body that spilled into my area. It never works.

At least I'm his type

The new editor told me today, in a fit of exasperation, "you're just like my ex."

What does it mean when your boss (albeit a youngish, twentysomething boss) says that to you? It's bad, right? No chance at a promotion next year? Certainly no chance of boardroom hanky panky.

Sigh.

So Frustrated

No heat again.

I guess this is the inevitable come down after last night's festivities with not just one editor, but both the old one and the new. Actually, there were a lot of editors there, including one who had interviewed me shortly before he left the company to take another job.

Last night he told me, "After I spoke to you, I said, 'she's the one.'"

Who doesn't like to feel appreciated?

This story would be a lot better if I had heat. I think it's finally time to move to California.

Update

I have heat. All is right with the world. Maybe tomorrow I can go back to eating solid foods. One can only hope.

The Weather Turns Cold

There's a freeze warning in effect, and I'm arguing with the boyfriend. I blame him. If he had just let me move in with him ... but the truth of the matter is, not having heat is my problem. The landlady going to Florida without turning on the thermostat (oh, yes, we found her) is my problem. And if I weren't so adverse to moving yet again, I'd start saving my money to pull together a security deposit on my next apartment. In Manhattan. The Lincoln Center area. (The boyfriend is not invited to come over. Ever.)

Then again, maybe I should at least start saving money toward a space heater. Why do the karma gods hate me? Why? I might not believe in Jesus, but those karma gods certainly love to smite me around a bit. I hope you're all getting a good laugh at my expense, you, you, karma gods!

Grrr

I don't feel well. I am achy and feverish and my stomach hurts. (Yeah, I know, again.) And you know what I want more than anything else in the world right now?

Heat.

I want my landlady to put on the heat. I called twice. My neighbor has been calling all day. The landlady is nowhere to be found. The super, gone.

I met up with my neighbor in the hall and she told me that her poor cat has been shivering under the covers all day. When she told me that, about her kitty, I mean, who could be mean to a cat? I almost stopped feeling sorry for myself. Poor cat.

Wine Habit

Enough anger and political ranting. It doesn't suit me, somehow. But I will say this: yesterday, the boyfriend and I saw the movie Sideways (which we both liked) and the whole time -- while he was thinking about cheating on me, mind you -- I was thinking, wow, people in California are as neurotic and fun as people in New York! Someday I'd like to live in California. Or at least visit frequently. It's the wine thing too -- it would be great (or terrible, depending on your perspective) for my wine habit.

I fancy myself as a woman of the world. Except I don't have the time or money, and I'm not particularly fond of flying. So nevermind.

You're Not the God of Me

Back to politics. So I was reading the Fox News website, to try to understand how the rest of the country thinks.

One story quotes Robert Knight, director of the Culture and Family Institute, saying, "Civil unions are a government endorsement of homosexuality."

What gets me mad -- besides the utter ridiculousness of this statement -- is that gay marriage is really a non-issue in the scheme of things. Our country is under constant threat of attack, we're destroying other governments for reasons that are suspect ... but they're worried about whether the government is "endorsing" someone else's sexual preferences?

There are so many more important issues than God. Moreover, I don't even like following the rules of my own God, let alone someone else's. And, more importantly, why should I?

Are these people completely out of touch with reality or is it me?

The next time someone -- Jew or Gentile -- tries to convert me on the subway, I'll spit on them.

The Pointless and the Absurd

Enough about politics, let's talk about something completely banal.

So I stayed home from work today because I wasn't feeling well. I had a terrible fever last night, and this morning I just couldn't bring myself to move. Of course, now that the Dayquil has kicked in, I feel sort of guilty. I've been doing work from home ... like a good, industrious bumble bee. (Someone once said that the thing she missed most about being a student was cutting class whenever she felt like it. So much freedom ... and now it's like I need permission to take bathroom breaks. Oh well. Someday I'll be the boss of me again. Until then, there are things I like about being a peon. Makes me feel young.)

In other news, my sister turned 20 today, and I welcomed her to the other side of teen angst.

More on Voting

Voting in NYC was awesome. There was so much energy, and people really believed we could win (stupid, stupid exit polls.) And, in a weird way, it was nice to feel like I was part of the rest of the country ... until I realized how removed I must be from most of these people.

For a minute, I was almost sentimental.

But, really, what happened to: "it's the economy, stupid?" Now it's: "it's God, stupid."

The economy people understand. God, they don't. Or CNN wouldn't be wringing its hands right now, shocked that a whole 1/5 of voters would go without health insurance, jobs or tax breaks just so they get a chance to punish some gay people.

I liked this country better when it was soul-less and greedy. What happened to that?

Of a Certain Age

I yell at the pundits at the television. The other night, I stayed up late writing a letter to the editor of The New York Times.

I am an old man.

Voting is Fun!

My first election when I didn't vote absentee. Couldn't stop smiling. The volunteer called me "sweetie." I did good. I deserve a lollipop.

New Friend (and not on Friendster)

I made a friend today. But I don't think it's who the boyfriend had in mind.

My new friend is 25, has a job in the jewelry business, and just moved to Brooklyn from Ecuador. We met at the gym -- we were both watching Malcolm in the Middle on closed caption while doing the elliptical machine; he was laughing, and so I was too. Later, we rode the train to 14th Street together, talked for five minutes, and then my new friend and I went our separate ways.

(By the way, I know he's my new friend because he asked me if I wanted to be his. And really, I didn't know what else to say, besides a long, drawn-out, skeptical, "um, okaaay ..." No has ever asked me that question so pointedly before.)

The boyfriend, who is prejudiced against everyone, would not like my new Ecuadorian buddy. But I'm forcing myself to be open-minded, if a little New Yorkerly paranoid. After all, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship ...